So, I was sat in the theatre here yesterday waiting for Monty Python's Life of Brian to come on. The seat next to me was empty. The lights dimmed, famous people came on the screen to talk about why small, independent theatres (like the one I was in) were important to the fabric of American life and I was bored.
Then...I heard a swish. Someone sat next to me. I heard some rustling and a piece of paper was pushed into my hand and a man's voice said, "it's cerulean ducks and a red lawn. Tell Fanny she's next". Before I could look around and give the paper back to whomever it was, the person had left. I caught a glimpse of a long cloak and I think he was wearing a dark beret but I have to admit I was more curious about what the paper said.
Written in large, beige letters were these words:*
"Welcome to my not-so-secret lair behind the cinema
I hope you will enjoy your stay
(no, I'm not the Phantom of the Opera)
I have sent my assistant Scarface to Fanny
His appearance is quite horrifying
But I can assure you he is harmless enough
He just looks like a big tough
(but I hope she likes that sort)
He flies around on a dragon
(he has no imagination--he calls it Eragon)
I'm definitely quite into you
I don't think I'm too smart for you
(I'm not sure though--what is 1000/7.65*2?)
Perhaps you want to discuss Nietzsche or Kant?
(and please don't say you can't)
Since I am holding off on the killing you bit (for now)
I'll wait and see what you will do
and, may I say it again? I'm rather keen on you
Picture the two of us alone inside a small library room
Perhaps there won't be enough space
Perhaps you'll say "but this isn't a good place"
And then I'll show you my koala-kiwi that I made to please you
I hope it will make you happy
I know you like kiwis (but koalas make you unhappy?)
So, yes, I'm very into you
Even though I can be rather odd
(no, I'm not one of the Ood)
It's not easy living behind the cinema
But you can watch films all day
you can see me play
and I'll share my plans for world domination with you
And, for now, I think you'll do
Because, really, I reckon I'm into you."
That was it. I watched the film and left the theatre. On my way to the Metro, I heard the voice again: "Send the duck back with your reply. I shall await it Friday".
Dear reader(s), so what do I do now? My heart is palpitating. I am trembling and excited and scared all at once. And, most importantly, is there a loo behind the cinema?
* Apologies and thanks to Mr. Coulton. You can watch the actual song here.